Saturday, December 02, 2006 @5:38 AM
i've got 2 ciggs left in my tin....ohhhhh shit!!! hahahah again! damn it! gotta gotta cut down! hahah!
i remember when i was little,
my dad would bring my sister and i,
along with our dog gucci,
on top of this hill,
somewhere in my neighbourhood,
and i'd just peer out on to the singapore skyline,
and to me i saw the whole world,
and everything further than that,
i was on top of the world,
on the highest mountain,
i'd just sit there looking out,
watching orangy pink streaks across the sky,
slowly fade into the distance.
for some reason,
whenever i look back at my child hood,
i see happiness and joy,
and the all of a sudden,
a few years later,
alot of crying, hatred and frustration...
and for some reason,
all my tears dried up,
and i felt numb,
painless,
but still sad,
scared of light,
happiness,
i did try seeking it,
but somehow id always turn around,
and start running,
the moment i encountered anything frustrating.
i have to be honset i say,
my parents divorce really traumatised me,
but im happy for my parents,
i really am,
they never had a good marriage,
and theyre happy now,
but i guess thats where my problems all originated from,
the countless times when i was young,
from cutting myself,
falling into ponds,
and slamming my head on the floor from a double decker bed,
and somehow someone always rescuing me,
ive always lived an expectation that someone would rescue me,
but after many troubles ive had during 2004 till 2005,
and soul searching,
and distancing myself from many ppl,
and concentrating on music,
solidifying with the os,
ive realised this one thing,
there will come upon a time when ull be alone,
in total darkness,
and only u urself can save urself from that darkness,
to seek the light at the end of the tunnel,
and ive learnt so much,
so so much over this year,
and met real beautiful ppl.
and noticed ppl whove been there all along,
they are still impacting my life in many ways, everyday,
after many years,
of pain,
and being totally lost,
i finally feel like im on top of that hill again,
viewing the entire world,
and noticing that there are sunsets everyday,
and now ive learnt to stop for awhile and just watch the sunset,
and realise,
life is beautiful in many ways,
there may be pain and frustration along the way,
but it remains beautiful.
christmas is coming soon,
and ive realised that the year has come to an end,
so i was just looking back at my life,
from all the years i spent here,
i have to say,
and u know u know how much "love" is a very very strong word to use,
to me,
i have to say,
i love you all,
and i say this with all of my heart,
u guys have brought me here,
the end of pain and angst,
to see the world once again,
and to find my dreams once more,
and to also know how to accomplish them.
i am forever grateful.
i peered out of the window,
wishing i could fly high,
into the blue of the sky,
then u came along and gave me wings,
and i shall fly over mountain tops,
and over rivers,
just to see the sun set,
hoping ud be watching along with me.
♥
