sometimes i feel,
like the universe speaks to me,
whispers in my ear,
deludes me with truth,
i wanna just run,
i wanna hide,
and sit in a hole,
and let the years pass by,
the mountains,
they seem so high,
and the earth,
this cruel cruel earth,
i sit and wonder,
why am i here?
why do these things happen all the time,
to care,
and give a sigh,
to dream about the stars,
it seems to intoxicate my soul.
but there are somethings in this world.
and i do care,
i do feel,
and i know why im here,
there are no coincedences in life,
i still gaze at the stars,
and feel its warmth,
i reach out my hand to the sky,
hoping,
hoping that it would find its way to my palm.
i hope,
i hope.
to dream,
is like a mystical journey,
into reality,
into a world,
that sits there waiting for you.
i wanna gaze at the stars right now...

♥

me being annoyed


today i woke up to see my dad at about 1130 at the foot of my bed. SEAN! jabs today! and im in bed telling myself. awww fuck! hahah! so anyway, i go take a shower, somehow fall asleep bathing. after an hour ready to go(sheesh).

were at the hospital, and we eventually find the travellers clinic, and it stops for lunch break till two. ah damn it! so we have penang laksa. while i was happy to know that my dad had topped up my cigg tin with kents. muahahaha. had penang laksa and checked out novena's new velocity...pretty cool actually. was trying to get a new pair of shoes. gonna do that with him tmr. yayyy new shoes! hahah! only thing is that i hate is finding my size. my foot size is 12. and for some reason they always dont have stock with size 12...sigh.

so we go back in time to be briefed about the different vaccines, and as usual the lady tried to con us into taking all sorts. we eventually took the most important ones, typhoid, menanjitus and yellow fever. so were taking the jabs, and the nurse accidently inserts the wrong needle, and shes already halfway, apologises, and sticks another one in. hahaha. wasnt painful though, after a little while though...feel like someone punched my arm. heh.

so we go down to queens way to look at shoes. i ended up getting new jeans, but no shoes. hahah! no size 12! grrrrr. okay so i was alittle(very very very) late to meet shona and kadir. its his birthday today. happy birthday kadir!!! i met them at 5. hehhhh. and they annoyed the living day light out of me. arggggghhhhhh!!! pulled my leg hair. tied dead nots in my pants and shoes. and kept chanting my name in a very very very annoying tone. jeeeeez. i kinda went crazy for awhile. hahaha. grrr.

picked grandama up at the air port today. she looks a whole lot better from the last time she came down. that good! and as usual slipped me money into my pocket while i wasnt looking. "eyyy whats this" looks at grandma..."shhhhh..shut up lah!" "errrr. oookay...heh". so i have two beers. and my aunt just hired me to help do manual work decorating weddings and hotels and stuff. 5.50 an hour. but real real flexible hours. heh. cooooool. plus its a real useful skill. heee. yup that was my day. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

♥

the open road

verse 1:
look up,
and see,
everything,
that shines on you,
the universe,
a light,
that seems so warm,
yet so cold,
but hey,
theres nothing left to loose,
let the sun shine upon us,
and that everything'll be fine,
run through the endless roads,
and head out into the world,
and for once,
see something good,
that comes along our away.
chorus:
i know that i'm just a bit dreamy,
i know that i 'm just a bit distant,
but see into me,
and know that i'll be there,
ill be there.
verse 2:
run up to the moon,
climb up hill,
that reaches the sky,
know that theres someone,
waiting for you,
i know,
in the ocean,
theres a bird,
that cries out loud,
for a word,
that would return,
and lift it up to the stars,

♥

i've been really struggling about the acoustic band project lately. a mixture of not having enough money for equipment, and not being able to play guitar.

jamming today was alright, was late though. hahah! woke up at 1215, and jamming was at 1230. boohoooo!!! we have been trying out elijah on drums, and hes improved so much. amazing really. hahah. so after that we had nasi padang which was a total rip off! i spent 650 on a small portion. sigh. oh well...it was good though. heh. so the whole day i was pretty much broke. so dc, mike and i sat near the macs at raffles...just laughing our asses off at some retarded jokes. marcus and elijah had to leave. marcus was sick, and had to go into cap monday. so yeah. elijah had to do something with his mum. so we go to meet josh, hans and kandhiban in town. and just kinda talked and shit in town. saw kish and kuz today. havent seen them in awhile. gonna join them for booze tmr night. so we end off the day in borders, where im ticking down names of albums to go burn at home. hahahaha. oh boy. and i go off to meet nimal at gas haus. hes gonna teach me guitar and give me this job. its an office job, paper work and... tele marketting. hmm aparently he says im can make up to 1500 a month. sounds good. hahah. but its supposed to be hard work. heh. and with the guitar, yup i know shit bout guitar. and my bass work is real sloppy. so hes going through the basics and all with me on sunday. its really depressing starting all the way from the bottom again... but ill give it a shot. and do my bestest! hahah. see how it goes. that way i can create riffs and all for my project much easier. only thing is that hes a rock guitarist. im really more into bossa and jazz. suttle music. ahaha. but im sure he can help me out. heh. itll help my bass work aswell anyway. so i can hardly wait till sunday!melanie comes back. miss her so much. heh. and ive got my first guitar lesson! plus i think im gonna start work soon. hahah. and earn money. yeahhhh. still smoking too much. heh.

lets get indiefied!!!

doh reh mi fah soh lah ti doh!

thats my first guitar lesson. hahah.

good night!

♥

the last two years of christmas :)
hope this ones gonna be good too... heh
hmmm the last 2-3 days, ive been sitting around, dreaming up ideas for songs....so far. its been bad. hahaha. got to know loads of indie bands though, thanks to charlene. and a great introduction to the indie scene. i quite like it. its very expressive. its your music, and u can do what the hell u want with it. hahah. well im relatively gonna be doing that for a few days. ainsley's in honkong, melanie's in australia. and iggy's going to california tmr morning. grrrr, still havent sorted out the songs with him. well theres shona, tim and my band mates and all. hahah. shona and i are planning a monoply session. hmmm... think itll be funnn. hahaha. anyway i put up an indie feed radio. tune in anytime, its good shit. hahaha. oh yeah, been smoking like a bitch. shit!!! hahaha. again!!!

the world is this twilight zone,
where i dont know morning apart from evenings,
and id rush to look out at the sunset,
but be slightly too late at times,
i think theres still smoke in my lungs,
and my phone just doesnt seem to ring,
theres a christian bible infront of me,
how did that get there?
last night i was at a pub,
with shawn dass,
and the music,
the pool and good ppl,
i wrote this song for you,
it seemed so good,
i won like a bitch at pool too,
and i was smiling having a good good time,
let the good times roll,
tonight's churaskaria with my dad, sis and i,
its gonna be a meaty meaty night.
christmas is coming,
with its jingle jangles,
and it really feels good this time,
im smiling right now,
just the thought of it...
christmas...

were doing a christmas dinner on the 30th, shona and i. mmmmmm. gonna be fun! hahaha!

♥

wooooohooooooooooo!!!! the extreme metal gig was awesome!!! the damn gas haus was filled with ppl moshing and head banging. u guys rock!!! i swear best gig ive played in. it was sooo funnn!!! hahaha. i swear i didnt know how big the crowd was till i saw the pictures. hahah man. well good day....considering i got stuck out of my house this afternoon when i was kinda late for the gig, plus lost my t shirt and bass bag for awhile cause i decided to go shirt less during the gig. hahah! plus some fella moved my bass bag. iggy took all the pics today. and i swear it wasnt easy. hahah. so many ppl! thanks man!!!your the best lah. we shall write more acustic songs on monday. after the gig i felt like dying. so so so tired.

now sky seems so endless,
as i get swallowed into its milky blue hues.
the sun seems to smile at me now and then,
as i let its soft heat caress my cheeks
my neighbour fianally noticed me today,
when i was trying to break into my house,
i was climbing down from on top my roof.
everytime i roll on the floor,
everytime i laugh my ass off,
and run through the endless green fields,
having the time of my life,
i look up to the stars once again,
and its just not complete.

♥

i've got 2 ciggs left in my tin....ohhhhh shit!!! hahahah again! damn it! gotta gotta cut down! hahah!

i remember when i was little,
my dad would bring my sister and i,
along with our dog gucci,
on top of this hill,
somewhere in my neighbourhood,
and i'd just peer out on to the singapore skyline,
and to me i saw the whole world,
and everything further than that,
i was on top of the world,
on the highest mountain,
i'd just sit there looking out,
watching orangy pink streaks across the sky,
slowly fade into the distance.
for some reason,
whenever i look back at my child hood,
i see happiness and joy,
and the all of a sudden,
a few years later,
alot of crying, hatred and frustration...
and for some reason,
all my tears dried up,
and i felt numb,
painless,
but still sad,
scared of light,
happiness,
i did try seeking it,
but somehow id always turn around,
and start running,
the moment i encountered anything frustrating.
i have to be honset i say,
my parents divorce really traumatised me,
but im happy for my parents,
i really am,
they never had a good marriage,
and theyre happy now,
but i guess thats where my problems all originated from,
the countless times when i was young,
from cutting myself,
falling into ponds,
and slamming my head on the floor from a double decker bed,
and somehow someone always rescuing me,
ive always lived an expectation that someone would rescue me,
but after many troubles ive had during 2004 till 2005,
and soul searching,
and distancing myself from many ppl,
and concentrating on music,
solidifying with the os,
ive realised this one thing,
there will come upon a time when ull be alone,
in total darkness,
and only u urself can save urself from that darkness,
to seek the light at the end of the tunnel,
and ive learnt so much,
so so much over this year,
and met real beautiful ppl.
and noticed ppl whove been there all along,
they are still impacting my life in many ways, everyday,
after many years,
of pain,
and being totally lost,
i finally feel like im on top of that hill again,
viewing the entire world,
and noticing that there are sunsets everyday,
and now ive learnt to stop for awhile and just watch the sunset,
and realise,
life is beautiful in many ways,
there may be pain and frustration along the way,
but it remains beautiful.

christmas is coming soon,
and ive realised that the year has come to an end,
so i was just looking back at my life,
from all the years i spent here,
i have to say,
and u know u know how much "love" is a very very strong word to use,
to me,
i have to say,
i love you all,
and i say this with all of my heart,
u guys have brought me here,
the end of pain and angst,
to see the world once again,
and to find my dreams once more,
and to also know how to accomplish them.
i am forever grateful.

i peered out of the window,
wishing i could fly high,
into the blue of the sky,
then u came along and gave me wings,
and i shall fly over mountain tops,
and over rivers,
just to see the sun set,
hoping ud be watching along with me.

♥

i just woke up....hahaha. yesterday was a fun day i guess.
it was one of those days when i woke up late again, and my friend is already at my house waiting for me downstairs. heh. so kadir and i were supposed to send our ep to two zines in turkey...i think? anubis zine and something else. hahah. my cd burner didnt work. and there were alotta cock ups. so instead we cooked some food. and watched rockstar the movie. again. hahah. good movie. and then a bit here and there on the net. watched a bit of monthy pythons holy grail. hahah! she turned me into a nute!....well i got better...burn the witch!!! hahahah. so then shona calls to hang out at starbucks. so we walked there with shona who took a cab. sat down. she bought a pack of her favourite, malboro menthols. and we just sat there talking about everything and managed to smoke the whole pack. uh oh. dad calls, and i was off to my dads place. tina was awaiting me, and she scolded me for the bottle openeing ceremony i had with my friends. how we messed up the whole house and left the doors open... hahaha shit!!! then talked to my dad, menan and all about the trip the africa. were going to KENYA, SERENGETI, SOUTH AFRICA, TANZANIA!!! and a few more places. hahah. were gonna look at all the colleges there, along with national parks and EVEN WHERE DIANA FOSSEY WORKED. THE MOUNTAIN GORRILLAS!!! well aparently the climbs supposed to be a real bitch. but who cares!!!! diana fossey. shes my idol i swear. a big reason i wanna do wildlife management. hahah. so then i went down to zouk which was pretty much a cock fest. but it was fuuunnnn. hahaha. kadir and all, we were dancing on the podium doing stupid things. some charlies angel song came up and we did the charlies poses. so stupid! hahaha. kadir asked a girl to dance, and she just smiled at him, or in other words rejected him... hahaha. poor guy. so then the whole thing ended. one comment stupid music!!!hahaha. so bad!!! hahaha. we went to this real creepy run down hotel after that and checked it out. oooooh spooky.... heh. we walked in and god chased out by a dog. hahahah. i brought them to this place behind the old youth park. looked at the entrance. suddenly everyone was...oh i feel so tired, think i wanna go home... hahahaha!!! well go back once were mentally prepared. hahaha. oh well it was a good night. and shona just called for star bucks. mmm star bucks, starting to really enjoy it there. ahah okay see ya!!!

one very important thing in life,
stick by your friends no matter what,
i swear ppl really talk alotta crap,
and i swear go get a life.
oh well at the end of the day no one can stop them from talking,
so i shall ignore politely.
hahah.

♥

sean harrison

look deep into my eyes. and know who i am.


pictures
jasmine
shamira
paula
jerilyn
rebecca
shona
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