hmmm both my friends arent interested in the marina mandarin job....hmmm
is it a sign???
hahahah.
errr but i still need the money :(
hahah...damn it.

the morning air,
its light,
i can breath easier,
the sun shines on all of us today,
theres just so much to do,
yet something in me tells me,
its a slack slack day,
morning ciggarettes,
and train rides that seem to go on forever,
my mind slowly waking to the morning sun shine,
take me away from this place,
and bring me to some unknown land,
where i can just run around,
and go absolutly insane,
more and more yakult,
and orange juice,
jamming sessions,
and thinking victor wooten is some sick bassist,
oh yeah i still have to learn that damn larry graham video,
wait its 3 15,
guess its not exactly morning,
but we live in the days which seem to go on forever and ever,
i love this,
what do ya wanna do now???

♥

okay i feel in such a thankful mood today. partially cause ive just opened the vodka ive kept since my dad came back from russia. yes im drinking it myself. hahaha. kinda one of those ahhhh fuck just open situations. so heres my thank you list for my o levels. cause ive realised without u guys, i would have died during o levels. thankkkkkkk u so muchhhhhhh. okay here goes. without any order what so ever.
my dad,

for always being ther to help me with work, history and bio. and always being there for me during the os. words alone cannot describe how much i love you, and how much i wish to be like you. i ove u dad.
my mum,

i've finnally realised that ur such a fantastic real person, and i love u sooo much. and how u woke me up to take the os seariously. im so lucky to have a mum like u.
shona,

for being there for me and ainsley no matter how hopeless and iritating we were. ahem are. hahaha. and for being an absolutely priceless friend. thank soo much.
claire,

for bothering to teach ainsley and i, and sitting through the mess that we presented to u in shouts and screams.hahaha
melanie,

for coming to my rescue with math, even though i was probably hopeless at that point of time. even though we talked quite abit during study. ive learnt so much from u. and even more uve inspired me to be more than myself. and sometimes i think,if i hadnt met u, would i have gotten through the os the same?...hmmm hahah.
ainsley,

for fucking me up left right centre with math!!!and listening to my long lectures with history!!!hahahah. weve been through so much during the os. and screw the others who think were not "in" or whatever. were ourselves and that's what matters.

tim,
for being that friend uve always been. sean study!!!hahaha
attiqah,

for helping with bio and malay. lending me the malay papers that i did practice!!and the bio book which i used all the way.hahah. and the malay dictionary which sadly i didnt use.hahaha

kadir,

for teaching me math during the year, i still remember the toa cah soh formuals and sine consine rule. hahaha. and being that great band mate always out there to help me.
umar,
for being the great band u are and letting me study and not jam....i thank u so sos os so much. hahah. ur like the father of the band. hahah

nash,
ur the best tutor ive ever had. i swear. ur brilliant. smoking during tuition aswell.hahaha.the memories. we shall hang out soon enough. a game of pool? no smokes this time??? hahaha

ganesh,
strict, but so damn effective. u really helped me sooooooo much in math. always calling me and making sure my studies are going good. great great teacher. teachers should learn from u. hahah
stephanie,

for sitting down with me every week day for a month while u were pregnant. and going through work with me. salute.hahah
shawn dass,
for alwayyyyyyyyyys being ther for me, and helping me with everything. i swear i dont know how to thank u. uve just been the best.
sharda,
for being the sister u have always been, loving, caring and grumpy in bed. hahaha.
leonard yi guang sin wei daryl,
u guys....i remember the bio days, just before the os, and us studying like mad dogs. u guys are great. and leonard remeber ah... the zoo in january... woohooo!!! hahah.
francis,
u believed in me. sadly i didnt carry on tuuition with u, but u were great.

cikgu sharifah,
ive knbown u for soooooo many years, ur like a mother to me. and i love u. uve helped me with so many things. and somehow i owe alot to u. im sorry i didnt take tuition from u the last week till the os. i regret it. but i thank u for being there.
cynthia howwe,

for helping me get through the n levels, and helping me here and ther for os, and sending notes for the os a day before through the fax when i needed ur help so so much. thank u.

miss harrirum,
for helping me out with science and math. i dont think ive paid u for 5 months or something.... hahaha shit...
mister lawrence koh,
the best damn $%@#%^ teacher ive yet to meet. although ur quite a cock fella too. class!!!
mister lam,

i have to say my favourite teacher, ur the reason why i love history so much. heh
stanely ho,
for being that idiot teacher who abandonned us after the mid years. but i have to say the best english teacher ive had.

mdm chong,
i hate u ..the whole class thinks so too. double standards. but i have to say one thing. u opened my eyes. and although we think ur a bitch. u have helped us and stuck with us and dealt with us. ur a good teacher.

okay if i missed ur name...im really soryy. ill blame it on the alcohol. ainsley and i are planning to hold a thank u party soon. from dec 2nd to the 5 th. around then. anyway see ya. going to sleep. night!!!

♥

hahah ive stopped hitting myself about the last post.
hmm...well ive decided if i wanna change my bad habits,
just start, and go for it.
hahah.
my mum and i are getting much closer nowadays,
im starting to talk to her bout lots of stuff,
and getting advise from her,
joking with her,
and considering once i told her she doesnt know anything about me,
and smashed a guitar infront of her.
hahah!
well thats all gone now.
i guess alot of it was me taking that first step,
and trying to know her before,
i did get rejected a few times,
and pushed away,
but im glad its all good.
oh yeah, hahaha.
yesterday my mum said,
aparently two huskies just randomly walked into the house,
ran upstairs and chased the cats,
hahaha,
my mum had to chase them out with a broom.
the neighbours didnt apologise at all though,
hahahaha.
oh boy. heh.
okay im at home now. and its raining!!!
ainsley's got practice for fashion fest,
melanie's legs are swollen and blistered (poor thing)
and tim is at work.
hmmm, i think ill go visit tim at work,
then later i think i have to practice guitar with umar at his place.
okay see yaaaa.

♥

cant take it anymore,
i cant take it anymore,
i cant take it anymore.
im an idiot,
all this time,
the way i show up in ppls lives,
the way im so inconsiderate,
the way i just dissapear,
im im so unaware,
argggghhhh!!!
i cant take it,
i try to change,
but now and then i totally,
just stone,
damn it!!!
wth???!!!!
i gotta be more responsible,
i seariously have to,
get my ass up,
and stop procrastinating about things,
get on my feet,
the dreaming is over.
its time to make them into reality.

♥

the mountains,
they seem so high,
so so high.
the orangy red back drop,
and the pine trees which seemed to colour the sky,
with a fragrance of bad ganja,
i stand there at the foot of it all,
looking up as i gaze at the peak,
and its might,
it almost seemed to stare me down,
looking at me in the eye,
but as i am humbled by it,
i learn to respect it,
and learn to scale its mighty slopes,
that seem endless,
now and then when i turn to look,
up at the cold peak right at the top,
i realise that,
the only thing that keeps me from stopping,
is the reason i live.

♥

the mountains,
they seem so high,
so so high.
the orangy red back drop,
and the pine trees which seemed to colour the sky,
with a fragrance of bad ganja,
i stand there at the foot of it all,
looking up as i gaze at the peak,
and its might,
it almost seemed to stare me down,
looking at me in the eye,
but as i am humbled by it,
i learn to respect it,
and learn to scale its mighty slopes,
that seem endless,
now and then when i turn to look,
up at the cold peak right at the top,
i realise that,
the only thing that keeps me from stopping,
is the reason i am alive.

♥

i left my phone in the studio yesterday...
hahah!
shit.
well yesterday was a good good day. :D
spent the day with melanie.
watched casino royale. it was great. i think the new actor's pretty good. shows a whole different side to bond. but hahah, considering i was refraining myself from going to the toilet throughout the duration of the film(looooooong). that was the down side of it. hahah. well then melanie brought me to eat gelato. really sweet of her. hahah. i sang her a song. well hopefully it came out well, considering my mouth could hardly move!!! hahaha. was so so so nervous. and i think a few fellas were looking at us. hmm. hahaha. oooh boy. then le band calls. and theyre making an even bigger fuss yesterday about coming on time for jamming, cause they have this whole band comes first mind set. hahaha. kanina. my blisters popped during jamming yesterday!!! arghhh. painfull. and i left my handphone at the studio. ahaha!!! im gonna collect it in awhile. sickeningggg. i remember taking of my watch and bangle, and telling myself to not forget them. i took the watch and bangle, but he handphone???nope!!! so typical of me i tell u. gotta change. okay think i should make my way to the studio, and yes i just woke up....looks at watch* shit!!!!.

see ya

♥

I never married,
Never had those kids,
I loved too many,
Now heaven's closed its gates.
I know I'm bad,
To jump on you like this,
Some things don't change,
My middle name's still 'Risk',
I know that night So long long time ago,
Will you still meet me,
On the sunny road

♥

ok from being high on weed,
well from the last post,
im not exactly very proud of it,
to being high on alcohol,
considering my friends practiaclly messed up my house,
well i kinda joined in aswell lah,
hahahah shit,
ainsley's off with some girl he likes,
and im left here to smoke a pack of winston,
oh boy,
hahah,
happening night lah,
hope i can function properly tmr,
gonna spend some time with melanie tmr,
then head of to jamming at night,
hah,
jamming,
umar empahsized on,
get everything right,
or ur fucked!
hahahah whyyyy,
and to all the guys out there,
my phone,
new phone,
or second hand(ainsley's or jasmine's old phone),
really screwed up.
hahaha,
ive been thinking,
i really gotta change my attitude towards life,
really.
all my lateness,
and my excuses,
the way i show up in life,
it really stinks.
hahah.
im gonna organise myself.
ive learnt alot during the o levels,
well to basically sit down and do work,
and do it CONSISTENTLY,
hahaha,
went shopping today,
i got a pair of jeans,
yayyyy.
finally,
im fed up with wearing berms.
ive got 5 pairs of berms u know,
5.
hahah.
long pants,
it kinda symbolises a change.
im reallly tired of my brother saying.... u know GET LAID,
GET DRUNK.
GET LAID.
its time to be myself.
be an individual,
the crowd sucks lah.

goals for the 5 months im free:
band- focus on oshiego and ostygius. get my bassing techniques to another level,
be consistent, and work on my solo projects and produce good songs.

family and love ones: spend more time with them, get to know them much more.
create a bond. show up in their lives. create an impact.

smoking: cut downnnnn!!!!

drinking: cut down!!!!

books: work on my book,
and shared book with ainsley about the os, and finish all current books im reading.

jobs: get a hotel job or whatever, then zoo after i come back from africa. the whole point of this is expereince...not really the money. although i need the money. hahah.

image: change my look, clothes wise, get new shoes, jeans, shirts and t shirts.

self: be myself. and thats all.

god: whatever it is, bond with god, and find my spiritual path...its about time.

hope i can do this all with these 5 months. hahah. i can lah. fingers crossed.


ive learnt...booze and alcohol? not that great.hahah. good conversation always beats it. face on.

well whatever it is, the sean u know is transforming into someone whom i really want to be.
yup...we shall see.
hahah. take care. logging off.

oh yeah and i cut my hair today at my god pa's place. it was fun and all at his place.
hes really a mentor to me.
the hair cut.....errr well its okay. hopefully itll grow back to normal again soon. ahahahaha.its ookay lah.hahaha. well ull see me when u see me. see ya

♥

green greensssss,
no blue for uuu???
i wash upon a star,
whenever will things be alright again?
i feel like an army ball hass passed through me like a riot,
i feel like some thing is choking me,
there my legs go again,
shakking through the air,
twitching and turning,
my mouth my tongue!!!
yikesssyaaaa,
hahahahaa
where earth planet am i on again??
im throwing a ball something through the air,
grab it with my teeth???!!!!
hahah!!!!
damnnnnn it,
i typed somethiog? wrong?
ouch,
bam bam boom bamikiey,
scratch scratch,
boolooo,
blove
;;;
to understand life,
uu must understand its goodness?
you must learn to see it,
so that it may respect you,
and therefore,
understands U

dont think too long term,
dont think love is based on stages,
but look the joys,
and love,
love,
that you bring the person,
and the moments with each other,
be an optimist,
thats all i can say,

rainbows and cloudy dayssss,
i feel its clamp on my head,
geee i thought that rhymed,

okay im signning off,
yeee peee.


gonna be interesting to read this in the morning when i wake up,
woohoohoohoo!!!!!!

♥

green greensssss,
no blue for uuu???
i wash upon a star,
whenever will things be alright again?
i feel like an army ball hass passed through me like a riot,
i feel like some thing is choking me,
there my legs go again,
shakking through the air,
twitching and turning,
my mouth my tongue!!!
yikesssyaaaa,
hahahahaa
where earth planet am i on again??
im throwing a ball something through the air,
grab it with my teeth???!!!!
hahah!!!!
damnnnnn it,
i typed somethiog? wrong?
ouch,
bam bam boom bamikiey,
scratch scratch,
boolooo,
blove
;;;
to understand life,
uu must understand its goodness?
you must learn to see it,
so that it may respect you,
and therefore,
understands U

dont think too long term,
dont think love is based on stages,
but look the joys,
and love,
love,
that you bring the person,
and the moments with each other,
be an optimist,
thats all i can say,

rainbows and cloudy dayssss,
i feel its clamp on my head,
geee i thought that rhymed,

okay im signning off,
yeee peee.


gonna be interesting to read this in the morning when i wake up,
woohoohoohoo!!!!!!

♥

come on sean!!!
its the last 100 metres!!!
your almost there sean!!!
u can taste the end of the finish line!!!
now give it your all!!!
all the way!!!
just a bit more!!!
explode!!!
explode!!!
explode!!!
no mercy!!!
no mercy!!!
no mercy!!!!
its time to show what your really made of...

there,
i see 4 runners ahead of me,
almost reaching the finish line,
i must,
i must give it my all now,
win!
win!
win!
i can do this...
this is no problem at all.
i just have to explode now.
watch me.

♥

when i start to ponder,
time seems to come to a stop,
and my mind goes on and on,
sinking,
sinking,
slowly,
into wonder,
and thoughts of eradication.
this very moment that rolls by,
this very moment decides my fate,
either driving it to or away from my destiny.

present ur palms to the endless skies,
and shout out aloud,
in frustration,
and amusement,
of how much u procrastinate.
some times i feel like everything i touch,
turns to stone.

a passing memory.
i guess i've always run from my problems,
dismissing myself from my issues,
my parents,
my studies,
my love life,
but now,
im here to stay,
and face up to it.
i've finnally opened my eyes,
and the first thing i saw were the stars that lit the sky,
a burning blaze of glorification.

as i learn to centre myself,
my fear subsides.
and i learn to sit here,
and listen.
i am here.

♥

no matter how hard,
no matter how hard,
NO MATTER HOW HARD.
I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!!!

♥

hope.
i hope.
nothing more.

sunsets, and the starry nights.
i over use this line,
only because these two things mean so much to me.
ive always tried to look at life in an optimistic way.
so when the day ends,
and its horrible,
i always look towards the sky.
and realise how beautiful life is.
and then the fear subsides.
at the end of the day,
we live,
we breath,
were alive!!!
WERE ALIVE!!!
life is a beautiful thing.
there are hard ships.
pain.
angst.
doubt.
but at the end of the day.
its still remains beautiful.
remember.
nothing can take that away from you.

as the orange golden pink sunsets,
come to a painful end.
as the colour fades,
and all that you knew becomes a mere memory.
remember that the stars will always be there for you.
day or night.
they are always there.

♥

hmm last night was kinda cool. did some history. or barely did history in the afternoon, followed by rushing down to my dad's for dinner. we had two stuffed spring chickens! yum yum. hahah. so my dad saw this rat run across the room, so he was going on and on "wah kanina, i have to get that damn rat lah". you see the rat bit through his computer wires and shit. so he was kinda pissed. hahaha. so he layed the rat trap with chicken bits. so as usual i was online till late listening to music and shit. when i went into the kitchen to see a rat caught in the rat trap. stared at it for awhile as it frenticly tried to break free from the trap. so i layed a carpet the over it. just to help it calm down. poor guy, my dad was gonna teach it how to swim, but "forget" to take it out of the cage. ahaha! cheebai. so i go to sleep damn late. and i wake up. and i hear this yelling from my dad "the damn rat gave birth!" so i rushed down despite my overwhelming insomnia, and yes... it had given birth(wtf?!) what are the chances of that!? so tina is like awww, can we keep it. and on and on. and my dads going like, wth? you dont keep rats....you get rid of them. so tina put tomatoes in the cage and stuffed tissue paper inside of it. and my dads just about the go mad, cause he thinks everyone else is going mad. hahah! "breed rats?! you must be shitting me!" hahaha!

♥

i feel the wind,
as it flows through my fingers,
and caresses the silhoutte of my body,
as i spread my wings,
and as i leap off this building,
just know,
that i do this,
to understand life,
and love,
once again.

♥

time.
in its existence,
in its wrath,
in its mystery.
it is the constant of our existence.
it varies by rate,
hours, minutes and seconds.
our bodies respond to it,
and so do our minds.
however there is one thing that differenciates us:
from all the depths and echoes of it all.
our will and passion,
and affect on to this world.
what we do,
lives on in the history of books and mankind;
but most importantly,
the content of impact that we leave,
to ourselves,
and the loved ones that surround us.

in this world,
we decide the fate of the oblivious,
to carry life on as it is,
throughout the galaxies which lead us,
into infinity.
what lives throughout the centuries,
is in every one of our hands.
hold the world in the warmth of your palms,
and steer the fate of the world,
wisely.

the fallen stars seem to inertwine with the focus of our minds,
and the lifes that we hold,
in the colours we burst into.
u have the keys.
but which door will you open?

♥

okay didnt do too well in phy today. shouted a few times, went a bit insane... and now im a whole lot better. hahah. okay i can do this. math....watch out...im coming. i can still get through. i know i can. i just have do it. go a bit crazy. yup. thats it. theres no stopping now. this battle isnt over yet. theres still hope. lots of it.

life has its ups and downs.
only when you pick urself up.
everyone falls.
but only so that they can win.
who cares if you lose.
who the hell cares.
cause its not about losing.
its about learning.
and then getting the goals you set out to get.
the world is waiting for us.
for us to start moving forward.
so that it may be moved by us.

keep walking.heh

♥

take me away,
to the grassy lands,
i know of,
on a sunday morning,
where the sun smiled cheeckily back at you,
gaze at the morning dew on the surface leaves,
and flowers of purple and red hues,
let your feet feel the soft blades of grass,
as they brush the sole of your feet,
as you walked along,
a river that seems to go on forever,
smell the fresh air,
and the gentle heat,
fragrant scents,
and the musky soil.
i dream and dream again.
yet a dream is a dream.
i wish to stumble upon a secret garden.
and just wonder around the abyss of eternity.
i want to feel,
to hear,
and to experience the colour.
someday it'll be good.




well today....math was great!!!!!!!!!!!! social studies was a dissapointment though. i couldnt finish the source base.
oh no.
oh well theres still history.
i can still get that a2.
had tuition in the evening.
pretty much spent the whole day thinking. and watching tele.
guess its much needed rest.
well so long and good night!

♥

amongst the darkness,
the endless tunnels,
and the long winding roads that we walk,
i feel as though life is falling on down on me,
and i lift a burden on my shoulders.
yet i keep close,
and hold this precious light to me,
in hope that it will all come to an end.
cause everything eventually does.
just hold in there a little longer.
because theres always that rainbow,
that smiles back at you after it all.

♥

sean harrison

look deep into my eyes. and know who i am.


pictures
jasmine
shamira
paula
jerilyn
rebecca
shona
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